Valentine’s day is a day to celebrate love, but I don’t feel
much like celebrating. I personally have never been in a romantic relationship
and this doesn’t seem likely to change in the near future. So instead of
talking about some cheesy rom com, or melodramatic romance drama I’m going to
talk about the exact opposite:
Vampire’s Kiss. Vampires Kiss is a 1988 comedic drama starring the acting legend Nicolas Cage. Nicolas Cage plays literary agent (Peter Loew) who happens to be a misogynistic pretentious asshole. Other choice adjectives include, racist, classist, arrogant, and vile. Now a story just about this jerk going about day to day life would be unbearable so naturally something strange happens to him: after an encounter with a bat, which flew in as he and his girlfriend(?) were having sex, (not his girlfriend per se. as they had just met that night, but they go on a single date afterward so I don’t think it’s considered a one night stand) he meets another more forceful and domineering woman (who may or may not exist) and convinces himself that she is a vampire, and is turning him into one as well.
Vampire’s Kiss. Vampires Kiss is a 1988 comedic drama starring the acting legend Nicolas Cage. Nicolas Cage plays literary agent (Peter Loew) who happens to be a misogynistic pretentious asshole. Other choice adjectives include, racist, classist, arrogant, and vile. Now a story just about this jerk going about day to day life would be unbearable so naturally something strange happens to him: after an encounter with a bat, which flew in as he and his girlfriend(?) were having sex, (not his girlfriend per se. as they had just met that night, but they go on a single date afterward so I don’t think it’s considered a one night stand) he meets another more forceful and domineering woman (who may or may not exist) and convinces himself that she is a vampire, and is turning him into one as well.
Basically the thing the movie is trying to get across with
all this seems to be: stay away from crazy, misogynistic, pretentious, racist,
classist, arrogant, and vile assholes (I can think of at least one movie in
theaters right now that has the exact opposite message). Furthermore it seems
to delight in showing Peter Loew’s decent in to insanity. This of course is so
much fun, because we see him verbally and physically abuse his secretary Alva,
as well as task her with a monumentally boring task (finding a misfiled copy of
a contract) that doesn’t even really need to be done as it was simply a small
request of a client. Upon asking if she can get some help with this task he
responds with this absolutely horrible gem of a line:
Peter Loew: Alva, there is no one else in this entire office that I could possibly ask to share such a horrible job. You're the lowest on the totem pole here, Alva. The lowest. Do you realize that? Every other secretary here has been here longer than you, Alva. Every one. And even if there was someone here who was here even one day longer than you, I still wouldn't ask that person to partake in such a miserable job as long as you were around. That's right, Alva. It's a horrible, horrible job; sifting through old contract after old contract. I couldn't think of a more horrible job if I wanted to. And you have to do it! You have to or I'll fire you. You understand? Do you? Good.
Now in any normal movie with any normal actor the movie would be absolutely painful to watch, but because of Nicolas Cage’s absolutely manically crazy performance the whole thing comes off as brilliant comedy. Another highlight of the movie, due wholly to Nic Cage’s acting are his visits with his psychiatrist. Here one of those scenes:
Peter Loew: Shouldn't the copy be in that file? It should, right?
Peter Loew: Alva, there is no one else in this entire office that I could possibly ask to share such a horrible job. You're the lowest on the totem pole here, Alva. The lowest. Do you realize that? Every other secretary here has been here longer than you, Alva. Every one. And even if there was someone here who was here even one day longer than you, I still wouldn't ask that person to partake in such a miserable job as long as you were around. That's right, Alva. It's a horrible, horrible job; sifting through old contract after old contract. I couldn't think of a more horrible job if I wanted to. And you have to do it! You have to or I'll fire you. You understand? Do you? Good.
Now in any normal movie with any normal actor the movie would be absolutely painful to watch, but because of Nicolas Cage’s absolutely manically crazy performance the whole thing comes off as brilliant comedy. Another highlight of the movie, due wholly to Nic Cage’s acting are his visits with his psychiatrist. Here one of those scenes:
Peter Loew: Shouldn't the copy be in that file? It should, right?
Dr. Glaser: Yes.
Peter Loew: Yep, yep, yep, yep.
Dr. Glaser: Unless, of course, it's somehow been somehow
misfiled.
Peter Loew: Misfiled?
Dr. Glaser: Yes, misfiled. Sometimes somebody puts a
document in the wrong file and it's misfiled. It makes it much harder to find.
Peter Loew: Who? Who? Who do you mean, who? How could
somebody MISFILE something? What could be easier? It's all alphabetical. You
just PUT it IN the right file! According to ALPHABETICAL ORDER! You know - A,
B, C, D, E, F, G!
Dr. Glaser: Peter...
Peter Loew: H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P!
Dr. Glaser: Peter...
Peter Loew: Q, R, S, T, U, V!
Dr. Glaser: Oh, Peter...
Peter Loew: W, X, Y, Z! Huh? That's ALL you have to DO!
Dr. Glaser: Very good, you know your alphabet.
Peter Loew: I never misfiled ANYTHING! Not ONCE, not ONE
TIME! I wanna know WHO DID!
Dr. Glaser: I cannot possibly tell you that!
Peter Loew: You can't?
Dr. Glaser: No, I can't.
Peter Loew: Huh - and you call yourself a psychiatrist.
Finally the last bit of this movie that is absolutely
wonderful and perfect is the ending so SPOILERS AHOY: by the end of the movie
Peter is fully convinced that he is a vampire and is wondering the streets of New York with blood smeared around his mouth (he actually bit and killed a
woman), and carrying a wooden stake (he wants to kill himself). But then
remembers that he set up an early morning appointment with his psychiatrist,
but due to his addled mental state he simply imagines the session while
standing in the middle of a sidewalk talking to a wall. In this imaginary
session he declares that he doesn’t want to attend the therapy anymore because
he thinks his problem could be solved by finding true honest to god love. His
therapist then laughs and says that there is a patent she has after him that
has the exact same problem and she should have set them up a while back. So
they meet and of course get along amazingly well (well of course they do as she
is a figment of Peter’s imagination). However as Peter is taking her home he
gets into an argument with his new imaginary girlfriend and breaks up with her
right then and there showing that Peter is so inept when it comes to true human
relationships that he can’t even imagine one right.
This movie is absolutely perfect viewing for a single person
on Valentine ’s Day. No matter how romantically challenged you are at least
you’re not Peter Loew
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